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Why ain't you married? Are "you" standing in your own way?

Posted by Leticia, 21 May

If you want to get married but you're not even close to it...do you ever wonder if it's something that you did or are doing? How do you think that others see you or talk about you when you're not around? Are you sending off those "desperately seeking" signals or just a sign that reads "do not enter"?

Like so many of my articles, the inspiration for this one came from a conversation with my best friend. The other day after work he and I were sitting around talking and he made a comment about a new girl at his job. He said: "I'm beginning to not like her - it's no wonder she's 37 and never been married".

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Of course, my first reaction is to jump to my sisters' defense and say "maybe she doesn't want to be married. That's not every woman's goal in life you know?" He proceeds to tell me that no, she wants a man and she wants one bad. You can tell by how she carries herself, how she talks to their male co-workers versus the body language used with female co-workers. It's the tone of her voice and the way she gives a certain look or scent if we were in the wild I suppose.

Okay, maybe she is looking, why you think she's still single, I ask. He tells me the following story. Apparently, while at work there was a group of guys, (she was the only female). They were having a discussion about another co-worker that happens to be married. This guy just purchased a car and made a comment about how his children are not allowed in this particular vehicle. He explained that the family had two other modes of transportation, but that this one "his baby", was off limits to the children because, well, they are kids and if you've got them you probably understand.

Well, according to my friend, she went off on a tirade about how wrong that was, and if "she was his wife", she would take the car while he was at work and put the kids in it and just drive around for the hell of it. I thought that it was funny. My buddy thought that it was silly, childish and the very reason that so many women can't find and keep a man. Huh? His explanation went further in detail on how a lot of women (his words), think that when you get into a relationship you have to share everything like your bed, food, thoughts, friends and oxygen. Okay, I added the last one there. But I totally got it.

Sometimes when people fall crazy in love, they want to consume themselves with everything about the other person. Notice that I said "people" because; trust me when I tell you that women are not the only ones that do this. Anyone know the ratio of male verses female stalkers?

Anyway, his point is that men need to have some space and independence, some things that are theirs and theirs alone. They need a man room, a hobby, a friend that they don't have to share- something. See, I get it. Because women need the same thing... We just don't bitch and moan as loudly about it. We do bitch and moan, about other things though. In all fairness, guys don't really bitch or moan or even talk about it. They sulk, get quiet or pick fights as an excuse to get away, instead of just communicating what they need in a way that doesn't say... "Look bitch you're driving me crazy" - and saying I need some me time sounds too girlie, I suppose.

So, who knows why the 37 year old woman isn't married. Maybe she doesn't want to settle for a guy that's not willing to give up everything for her as she is for him. Perhaps she's coming across as to needy and unwilling to bend or change - to set in her ways. Or maybe my friend can print out this article, slip it on her desk and she can tell him herself. It could be that she just hasn't found our site and explored all of her options in the world of dating interracially.

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22 responses to "Why ain't you married? Are "you" standing in your own way?"

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  1.   Erict says:
    Posted: 25 Nov 08

    I think it's really about boundaries. It's not that a woman can't be around all the time. It's more of how she composes herself and acts during that time. Simple etiquette comes hard for some people who have a hard time with self-control. Not that self-control is necessarily the only issue. Lack of cultural awareness, ignorance of acceptable behavior, and/or willful disregard for the sensibilities of others can also play a part. But most of the time these deficencies stem from some past hurt, powerful emotions unchecked by a strong sense of reason, or plain old bad upbringing. I'm sure there are more reasons than those but when it comes down to it, there's one common thread that link them all. It's self-centeredness. Whether these types of people want to get married or not, the rest of the world can tell that they are unfit for it and steer clear as quickly as possible. Why? Because marraige is about both people in the relationship giving of themselves sacrificially to each other. People that can't control their urges long enough to sense or decide whether they really want to step on toes or make others uncomfortable send all sorts of flares and signals to everyone, conscious or subconscious, that these people are unfit for any kind of intimate investments. Even as an acquaintance these people can be a strain. Well far be it from me to point out a problem without giving some sort of solution. Whether a person wants to get married or not, all relationships can and do benefit when selfishness is put on the shelf and traded for genuine care for the opinions and feelings of others. A carefully observant person motivated by warmth for getting to know other people can navigate even the toughest cultural differences. All it takes is more attentiveness, careful listening and some extra processing. And you know, people instinctively pick up on this kind of behavior as well. People who care to listen and adjust to their environment are some of the most attractive and desireable people to konw. And whether these types choose to marry or not, they will never be short of opportunities should they choose to.

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  2.   nubia69 says:
    Posted: 12 Oct 08

    I'm 39. I'm not married and have no chldren... I am never short of offers for dates. I have healthy relationshps with men. I guess I'm holding out to meet someone that I honestly feel I can connect with.

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  3.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 16 Sep 08

    i also agree with you AFRODIVA...keep it up

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  4.   Pia65 says:
    Posted: 07 Sep 08

    Great article! AFRODIVA1980 I agree with your view on this issue because I do the same thing! S.O.'s need togetherness as well as space as necessary in order to appreciate and value who they are.

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  5.   AfroDiva1980 says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 08

    I would agree that many people get in their own way. I also agree that men need to be more vocal about needing their own space. I have never been one to crowd a man and want to be up under him all the time...I guess that is one reason I am never short of date material...men love that I can just be myself and let them be themselves. I love to hang with my friends without my man and I make sure he knows this and can do the same. I believe that personal space does not go out when you are dating and that each person in the relationship needs that alone time or time with seperate friends in order to cherish the time they have together more. Well written article!

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  6.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 29 Aug 08

    yeah, its God who realy knows whats best for us but, if we don't give it a try, how would we ever know that you right for each other?

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  7.   shydcgirl says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 08

    It's just so hard to find someone that fits with you and you with them. I have been dating actively for about 6 months and I'm exhausted!

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  8.   sweetroses says:
    Posted: 25 Aug 08

    Hi everyone, thanks laughtsailor point well taken, there are a lot of men and women out there who choose not to settle down because they are just not ready or the time is not right, with the high divorce rate in the United states why would people make such a huge mistake, I am not into someone that is passive, aggressive because someone might get hurt, Everyone has feelings we must not be selfish and think about our self only, what about true love, real intimacy with some that knows how to treat you right. Only God has the answer let go and leave it to God. Thanks for leting me post my comment greatly appreciated. By:Sweetroses

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  9.   laughsailor says:
    Posted: 11 Aug 08

    fkoi - I think you've summed it up well. I've got friends with small children and they have a really beautiful sports car the kids aren't allowed to touch - It's their date car and I think things like that are great for keeping romance alive. If the guy in the article was like me, he would pride himself on taking care of the car and that would enter into the mix, as well. I just don't think there's enough information in the article to make an analysis about how the family allocates resources to make a judgment. The woman in this article was showing passive-aggressive behavior that would immediately cause me to run away. John, we've both been down different grades of that road but you're limiting your life by shutting down. There's a lot of really wonderful women out there for us. They aren't the ones who are flashy, so we have to dig for them. I think you know this and that's why you're here and write with so much compassion and insight. We attract what we project, so act as the person you want to be and you will not only grow to be that person but will attract the mate you want. Really - It works. I'm a year older than you and date really wonderful women who match what I'm looking for, so you can too: Many women don't look to age - It's how we live and who we are that's much more important. Relax, take a deep breath and look around - Life's really wonderful and guess what? You didn't contract e-bola, today! Hello, everyone. I'm Laugh_Sailor and I stand in my own way, in dating. I am inconsistent in writing to women I like here, even though, like a good salesman, I know I need to keep my pipeline full in order to land a sale. I don't get involved in social organizations that center around my interests as I should. I also know there's something else I ought to be doing to attract the notice of adventurous, outdoorsy, passionate (in all of life), kind and "real" Los Angeles women that I'm not and have no idea what that is. Anyone have suggestions?

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  10.   Voluptuous says:
    Posted: 11 Aug 08

    I'm not standing in my way,But i would love if had someone worthy standing next to me.

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  11.   John says:
    Posted: 30 Jun 08

    "Love is doing someone else's thing." I got that from an alcoholic self help book and can't remember the author's name. But it's the truth. Love, commitment, marriage, all deal with the same things: selflessness, generosity, respect, communication, compromise, admiration of another person. The list can get bigger. People who marry and remain married are talented jugglers of these qualities and if they get something for themselves during the relationship it is usually the exception rather than the rule. Anyone in a relationship with someone without those qualities is approaching a one way street and that's no fun. So how do you have fun in a relationship with someone who doesn't compromise? Answer: you don't. Relationships that undure time are a continuous chain of conflicts and compromises, because two minds never think the same way for long. If you have fun that's good and it will be good until the next disagreement which isn't far off comes around. Many people marry for opportunism and try to extract as much from their "partner" as they can. That is the sociopathic relationship and they are more common than you might think. If you can find someone who isn't an opportunist, who doesn't want someone to continuously submit to their dominance, who has the relationship qualities, who doesn't look like a train wreck, that is one that you could think about holding on to, but usually they are few and far between and in high demand. I have known at least two opportunistic females and they always love new relationships because it always represents a new opportunity for them to get "what they want", which is a never ending struggle, and usually money and materials and/or favors, from someone else. Most people enter relationships trying to get what they want, but that is already the wrong approach because selfishness is not part of the sucessful program. People are generally oblivious to what another person's needs in the emotional arena. My first and only marriage lasted three years and it was a one way street. She wanted my inheritance and anything else that she could get. So she got half the house that I bought, for free, and she sits in it with her child from a previous marriage and her new men. Some men do this also, but it uaually the exception instead of the rule. But in my case I chose the divorce because I was tired of being taken advantage of by an opportunist. I got tired of "doing someone else's thing," so now I do my own thing. Relationships for me tend to be one sided, out of balance, overloading, confusing and intolerable and unacceptable. But, guess what? That's the name of the game. I just couldn't be selfless anymore so it's all over now. I'm 47. There are women I could date but they don't look like much. My ex was a high maintenance looker so it all makes sense I guess.

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  12.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 23 Jun 08

    I am not only in my own way, but I am beside myself

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  13.   yycbbc says:
    Posted: 23 Jun 08

    There is another reason that she may not be married and that is that there are some men who look at marriage as a bad deal. Fifty percent of the time marriages end in divorce, seventy percent of the time the woman initiates it, a divorce will cost you between 50 and 80 percent of your material wealth. At 40, I'm running into scads of women in my peer group who are ready for babies. They've got the house, the career, the car, the investments and now their looking for a husband. Sorry to say ladies, after hearing for last 20 years that men suck I gaze incredulously at the same thirty-something women that had no interest in me ten years ago now trying to get the attention my and my single, employed responsible friends. We have retreated to quiet lives with each other and have voted with our feet, the answer is no. That is the largest reason why your friend isn't married. Even if she was a bitch, that has less to do with it than you think.

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  14.   Mahogany1 says:
    Posted: 14 Jun 08

    I can sorta understand wanting a car that the kids can't ride in. Honestly, kids can be messy. However, if the kids are well behaved then this shouldn't be a problem. As for the woman who is 37 and still single: this conversation doesn't say much about her. All it says is that she is 37 and single. I agree that the comment she made didn't help her image much. If anything, it could scare away potential mates or guys that could have helped her in her quest for romance (if she is on one). In the end, she probably hasn't found the right guy yet. I know people that go married in their 40s. One friend went for almost 10 years without a relationship before the right guy came along (and believe me: for her she couldn't have found a more perfect match). So in the end, it can happen. If her life is in order and she's doing things she loves, the right guy will come along and she will be married (if she wants to).

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  15.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 12 Jun 08

    I think to marry or not marry does not define and make this lady to be a bitch...Men are egoistic...why would you buy a car and not carry your kids in it? I would place that man in the category of boys who still need toys to play with but most likely he is aplay boy and the car is meant for the mistress...Woe unto you who think that a woman suggests by her body language that she needs a man just by walking or talking in the office!!!!

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  16.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 11 Jun 08

    I am in my own way, gotta stop trippin over my feet

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  17.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 08 Jun 08

    If the subject of the article is, in fact, hoping to get married or not, she may want to learn to mind her own business. I'm pretty sure that the fella who has a her's and there's cars and a his car didn't ask for opinions on his situation. Just 'coz you have an opinion doesn't mean that it is welcome or required. I mean he didn't make the comment here for our opinions, it was a conversation among coworkers. I say butt out. He and his wife may have saved up their hard earned dough for a nice car that they didn't want funked up with crumbs, spills, and other assorted yuck. They got that right. In fact, there are a whole bunch of other reasons why he may have a car that doesn't accept children riders. Since no one asked him, we don't know. Certainly a relationship with a woman who would feel entitled to swipe that car while he is out working to pay for it and against his wishes (and maybe hers) ride the kids around in it for spite hardly seems like a good solution. It is using the kids as weapons in a passive/aggressive fight into which they have no need to be interjected. Certainly a lot of conclusions have been jumped in the replies here (what the heck, it is an Olympics year), but people do get in their own way in terms of relationships. Butting into your partner's business unasked is one way. Trying to keep something to yourself (such as a car) without consulting your partner is another. And, yes, making assumptions without any kind of investigation is another. Happy hunting;-)!

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  18.   wendy9986 says:
    Posted: 08 Jun 08

    No wonder I'm 37 and still single.

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  19.   alix says:
    Posted: 03 Jun 08

    iwnat tosay something really the human being are loking to be loved and accepted so the problem wiht the poepel athat are so older and the yarenot get married is because they donot wnat togwet out and geetting amrried yet because the ywant to be accousted to stay alone it is mycase , ifeel free ,and iam afraid tot ake adecison about it , because uiwll have more responsabilities and to attent to the husband and the sons after so icanot enjoy likea single girl . which iam feel good and go toevrywhere and just to comeabcka nd iam free and happy but iam concius that the love will come one day to my hearht and at the same tiem iwas sodesespearted but now i take the things ok i ahve toememt more friends and help to the people so ican do it , as soon as possible so ifeel fine doing things , and inend more tiem and money fro making things iam doing yeelwelery iam an englsih teacher iam cahtting and iama atending to myfamily myparents and brothers and etc.iam single yet but ienjoy wiht my singleness, is funny and we ahve to ebnjoyand be happy for this season . and ui trust in god thta he can give tome a special husband i advice to the singlemen sand women donot feeld eseperated adn live the life and trust in god and wait the right moment ok. and do activities and enjoy more and amke friends , chat and get out some places and help tothe people this thingsa re basics and enjoy wiht his, her family and travel and learn languagues and visist old epopelaor inroll ina social or any kind of group and help and do it you can be happy adn necessary and succesful wiht this things iam waitinga special person and iam so estrictive and i consider the spiritual area nit justa goodlooking man or rich or famous, justa worker man and spiritual amn and sicery and loyal and meet people and develop afriendship and be amture and sincerea nd honest wiht yourself.and isnot necesary to be so sexy no just sincere andnaturla and be friendlly and worryand interest in make friends ,and the love willcome and the love isadecison and determination and it neds time and patient and sopport everything and suffer it and one of the couple is more delivered and the another not but one day itwill balance .ok .have agood luck evrybody .

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  20.   Lee-Anne says:
    Posted: 28 May 08

    I think its all in the way she handled herself, the way she reacted probably didnt help her any. Being the only woman in the middle of a whole heap of testosterone probably didnt do her any favours either lol. Who knows what happened before this conversation started,even the conversations leading to this one. Maybe he was a loud obnoxious ass and she grew tired of his mouth running. Maybe she has a dead beat ex who dosnt look after his kids and heard that and it pressed her buttons. Who really knows theres alot of maybes but theres nothing in this story that says she flys off the handle all the time it was one conversation that struck a chord with her. Thats Hardly a reason why shes single. As for relationships I agree everyone needs space their own autonomy, merging into someone and being totally dependant on any other human being doesnt allow for personal growth. You need to have time seperate from each other then you can come back and have something more to share together. Time out though is different story than having a total different world where your partner never can enter, might as well be single. As for ownership of things in a relationship. I dont know if I understand the whole "my" this "my" that, but then theres lots of selfish traits in men I dont get, as long as he took care of business and didnt put possessions ahead of his kids then Id probably over look this and accept it. At the end of the day when looking for a partner it's no use staying with or picking people that do things you cant stand, and everyones cant stand list is different, just because she pissed off this guy dosnt mean she will piss off all guys with her opinions, and after all thats all it was in the end, one person saying something that the other person didnt agree with.

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  21.   rae56 says:
    Posted: 26 May 08

    What am I missing here? Is it just me, or does anyone else find it asinine that this woman is considered a bitch and not worthy of marrying because she disagrees with a coworker who doesn’t allow his children to ride in his car. Since when does defending the interest of a coworkers children, a coworker who may or may not be guilty of putting his “wants and needs” ahead of his children-- since when does that constitute her being anything other than a woman who will put her children ahead of a mans “toys”? And KennyG’s comments have me thoroughly puzzled with the story of his ex girlfriend. There’s nothing in this scenario that leads me to believe that the woman who had never married had been involved with married men. There is any number of reasons that this woman is not married. It’s even possible that she has refrained from marrying little boys who find it so easy to toss around the word “bitch” like it’s a term of endearment. Quite possibly, she has been holding out for a “man” of substance.

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  22.   Smartgrlsplz says:
    Posted: 25 May 08

    Hello Friends, Well written and thank you for your article, but the story assumes that all women want to be married. I dated a woman for 1 1/2 years during the time I wasa separated from my now ex-wife. It fell apart because of her value system of what men represent to her. She was a divorcee, who's ex I am friends with. One day he shared with me why their marriage ended. As he talked about her sneakiness and betrayal and lies and bad parenting issues while they were married and well after that, I thought, "Hey, I know that woman! I'M NOW DATING HER!!!" After she and I broke up, mutual friends told me about her next 2 boyfriends. Both were married and she dumped both after they told her they had "feelings" for her. I remember this woman telling me when we were getting close that (paraphrased) "When I see someone with the 'Love Bug' I run the other way". A friend of mine who is a couneselor told me that the type of women who knowingly dates married men wants it that way becuase they have a crippling fear of intimacy and they are generally selfish and often sociopathic. "It's all about them," he said. And then he told me that as soon as I was unencumbered and my marriage was officially over that the girlfriend will dump me because now I'd no longer be the sort of man who doesn't have the ability to commit and thus I'd just another swinging dick in the field trying to take away her freedom, ask her to be more intimate than she's capable of being, and ask for accountability that she is too narcisstic and immature to provide. My point: That woman at the office might just have more baggage and be more of head case than she is worth! Maybe she's not married because she knows what she's not capable of. And maybe she's so self-absorbed that she can't be a partner in a relationship. Maybe she has enough self awareness to know her limitations and so she chooses relationships that don't have a chance of working out. There are LOT'S of good women out there! Don't let one single 37 year old bother your! Fact: She IS 37 and single for a reason and it COULD be her fault (it's not ALWAYS a man's fault!), she could be a lesbian, or she could just plain-old be a bitch! Remember what my daddy told me, "One that nice ass goes away, the bitch will still be there!" So find a nice lady who is capable of healthy love! Peace! KennyG

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