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What to look for on a First Date

Posted by Ro571, 02 Aug

You're excited (and maybe a bit nervous) to be going out on your first date with someone new. Before you go, consider this list of things to look for—some are promising indicators of a great connection in the making, and others can be reason to make the first date your last.

Red Flags

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How much money do you make?

If your date seems interested in your income, even without asking point blank, consider this a warning sign that they might be too materialistic. At this stage, your personality should be more interesting to them than your bank statement. Even if you have plenty of money, you don’t want to date someone who’s too concerned with how much you have and what you do with it. Guys, unless she’s an auto enthusiast, asking what kind of car you drive is a dead giveaway. Ladies, it’s okay to want a potential provider, but be classy or risk seeming like a gold-digger.

The Ex factor

Unless it’s an exceedingly casual or inadvertent mention, no one should discuss their previous relationships on a first date. Most people know this, so if your date is going on about what they liked or didn’t like about their ex or all the fun things they used to do together, this is a sign of unresolved issues. Unless you’re all right with being someone’s rebound, keep your radar up here. Whether your date actually gets back together with an ex or is always comparing your relationship to that one, someone with freshly packed baggage can be a real drag!

Let’s go Dutch

Hear this, ladies—on a first date, the guy should want to pay. It’s up to the lady whether she lets him, but if he doesn’t offer now, he probably never will. While men should definitely not pay for everything in this day and age, offering on the first date is just being gentlemanly. If he doesn’t it could mean a lot of things, but none of them are good.

I remember getting to the bar, but that’s about it…

Some of the best dates never seem to end, and there’s nothing wrong with going barhopping together. But if your date is pounding one drink after another, with or without you, it’s a bad sign. Not only is it bad form to get ‘faced in your first face-to-face, it hints at a larger problem. It could mean that the person lacks confidence, is trying to force a connection, or might have a drinking problem.

An addendum for the ladies: if he’s trying way too hard to get you drunk, that means he’s only interested in one thing.

May I see your resume?

If your date lobs a ton of intrusive questions at you that make you feel like you’re in a job interview, it suggests the person has exceedingly high expectations, is cynical, uptight, or all three. The vibe should be relaxed and playful, not clinical. If you feel like you’re being vetted for a security clearance, getting involved with this person is not likely to produce the warmest, most understanding relationship in the world.

Encouraging Signs

A cozy atmosphere

It can take a little while to break the ice, but if you get to a point in the date where you feel almost as relaxed as when you’re out with your friends, it’s big. This is where the fun really starts. If you feel comfortable touching each other’s arm when you connect on some point, sit close together, and can’t keep smiles off your faces, you’ve crossed a threshold that many pairings never do.

Me too!

If you find yourselves constantly echoing each other’s sentiments, finding that you went to the same summer camp, or have the same tastes, you’re going to have a lot to do and talk about. What you’re doing here is connecting, in the truest sense, and it’s the bedrock of a relationship. See how far it goes—if you agree on the big stuff too, you’re fundamentally aligned.

Time flies

Does it feel like you just sat down when the check arrives? Do you look at your watch and wonder where the time went? When couples have a good dynamic, they’re so focused on each other that they’re barely aware of the outside world. Consider it very encouraging if you lose track of time during the date. (Obviously, checking your watch every ten minutes would be a red flag.)

Who knew the drugstore was so much fun!

Let’s say the best-laid plans go wrong, the restaurant lost your reservation, the roller-skating rink was closed, or whatever—if you make the best of it and have a blast anyway, you have a key component of great relationships. When a couple can turn a trip to 7-Eleven into a memorable experience, they’re clicking. Some things in life are fun with almost anyone, but if you can take adversity or boredom and turn into amusement and enjoyment, you’re good together.

Take note of each of these indicators and consider them seriously in your assessment of the date and your compatibility. It’s important to take every part of the date into account, not just the end. Just because things felt a bit awkward at “goodbye”—perhaps the kiss was unsatisfying, or didn't happen—doesn’t mean that overall this was a promising start. If you racked up some Encouraging Signs and there weren’t any Red Flags, a second date is almost surely in order!

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52 responses to "What to look for on a First Date"

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  1.   Herth says:
    Posted: 21 Oct 21

    I just want a serious relationship with white man,am not a rich person...I just want the person who love the way I am

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  2.   hookup_apps says:
    Posted: 05 Dec 17

    Wanna date with someone but shy in nature. to date, someone.

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  3.   RubyJym says:
    Posted: 14 Oct 12

    I've only been on the site for about two weeks. Just reading some of the responses from the ladies, my presumptions are the same. It appears that many of the males are looking for more sex. When I say more sex, whatever they're not able to get enough of elsewhere they go to the date sites. A gentleman told me once that my presumptions were right. Some of the men are on here for sex. So shallow minded they want to think the women are on here for the same reason. It's perversion. It's good they send up red flags to warn you. The ladies can go to the bars and night clubs for one-night-stands if that's all we want. Don't give up because of the ones that are deceivers. I believe there are some good men on the sites. I don't just expect to meet someone on the dating sites either. It is still possible to meet someone at the supermarket, the post office, the gas station, Home Depot, at the airport ladies, I met someone on the plane once. Don't give up yet.

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    • retireddude says:
      Posted: 21 Oct 21

      To me, romance is the barometer of how my relationship with someone else is going. So for me, it's not the romance that is desired end, but the lack of it says we are experiencing other issues.

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    • Scorpio_Jay says:
      Posted: 21 Oct 21

      Yes you are absolutely right! They’re all looking for sex and I did say that to one guy and he agreed, he even admitted that he was too!

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      • Enomo says:
        Posted: 12 May 22

        I believe thats a wrong notion. A good number of us guys are here for real.

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  4.   avamatinez says:
    Posted: 12 Oct 12

    well it seems almost every man here seeks sexual attention more and i am beginning to give up because it so insulting when ladies get this kind of treatment from men who so call say the are looking for a partner. i do not know what they think about dating on the INTERNET . i have spoken to over 30 men from this site but just 2 never asked for sex cams and just not my age group. the only thing that still keeps my hope high is the success stories i read.

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  5.   QTpie1968 says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 12

    It really does seem as if the men on here are way more interested in sex as opposed to a real relationship, and it's extremely disconcerting. There is nothing wrong with wanting and enjoying a wonderful and fulfilling intimate relationship, but I truly believe a solid foundation should be built first.

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  6.   Fikiy says:
    Posted: 02 Jul 12

    I think people are so intrested in sex than love. And i don't waste my time in trying to explain to them that am not that type! I just tell them am not a prostitute! And don't reply to anything afterwards. Am loosing hope! May God help me.

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  7.   Friendly13 says:
    Posted: 30 Nov 10

    I really like this online article. When I go on a first date I look for the red flags mentioned here: Questions like how much I make. Okay, I can understand asking me what I do as a profession, but asking me about my income is too personal. I mean is he looking for a roommate to split his mortgage with? Red flag for real. Then I want to talk about us not them (the ex'es). I want to forget my ex. I am not going to spend money getting ready to look good for someone who is going to waist my time to talk about some other woman. No way. Boring. This lets me know he is still on the rebound and could be called back at anytime. Red flag! Lets go dutch means is that if I decide not to go all the way with him he at least hasn't lost anything. I feel a gentleman would not treat me like a prostitute. If he pays for my dinner, movie, and maybe even an outfit, he can feel like the man that he is. If he suggests dutch he can count on a cancellation. Don't get me wrong if it is not a romantic date and we are just friends that is different, but I wouldn't pay to be on a site to find a buddy, I can do that at home. Well, needless to say...I could really relate to this story. Thanks for saying it all so well.

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    • Flame53 says:
      Posted: 13 Dec 10

      I feel this article is very helpful especially for first-timers to online dating. There are so many different types of people out here! People are looking for all types of things, Sex, money, gifts, only God know what else. You have given them some excellent types of guidelines to assist them in what to look out for. I personally have run into some of the very things you talked about in this article. Women that put out on the first date speaks volumes for that type of person. . .they are not going to change regardless of what anyone says lets just hope they don't spread disease to the rest of us ! ! ! But ladies there are some REAL gentlemen out here, keep searching and keep your principles intact! Remember those RED FLAGS!

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      • Snm60 says:
        Posted: 21 Oct 21

        At least that's a positive one. Keep on encouraging all

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  8.   MikePetrick1 says:
    Posted: 16 Nov 10

    Hi there. I am very happy to read articles like this and I commend you for sharing your knowledge about relationships. Keep up the good work. I am Mike Petrick and I wrote a book about how men will get the girl of their dreams and it s called Seduction Revolution. I hope you can help me spread the news. You can get more info at my site: http://get-agirl.com

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  9.   Afilaka says:
    Posted: 01 Nov 10

    You didn't mention poor personal and oral hygeine

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  10.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 24 Oct 10

    And to answer your other question, my faith is strong enough for both of us Kev so I will pray for you like you asked.:-) I will have to because apparently people on this site don't like people like me with a strong faith.

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  11.   AnyOneForFun says:
    Posted: 24 Oct 10

    People are so different from each other nowadays. There are some interesting comments covering this topic though. I kind of smile here as I think about here in the midwest compared to the east or west coast. Its so conservative, its like you are kind of leery of asking too many questions, and you kind of are letting her lead the conversations. If she is leading in most conversations, she comes out thinking you have no confidence in yourself. Nothing is further from the truth. A nice smile flashed all night long by her makes me feel real comfortable. If I am standing away from her as she is talking to someone else, it makes me feel comfortable seeing her hips or her upper body pointed in my direction , even if she is looking at the person she is talking too. When she turns her whole body away from me to talk to someone else...kind of a lost cause. I think that being a non-drinker may lose points in regards to social skills while out on a date. It does not make me uncomfortable to see her drink, but it appears to make her uncomfortable. Its only a first date, be yourself, Religion and political beliefs I do try to stay away from in the beginning. I had a few tell me how I should be living...lol Naturally, it did not work out. I wonder if over time my senses are getting dull from this. It is getting to the point where it takes a whole lot to get me interested in a person. Something has to really be interesing to me about this person. Looks are great, but what is coming from the intellect?. Its hard to really know what you have got on a first date, but first impressions leave lasting effects!

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 24 Oct 10

      Oh you can know what you have on the first date if you ask strong enough questions and get right to the heart of things and cut through the BS. Then you will know if you have a strong woman or a weak timid one and personally, I respect a strong woman with a good mind and good morals. Sadly enough, many of the prettier ladies don't have have good morals although they have strong minds, because they never had to develop good morals because they always skated by on their looks. This is a sad but true fact. That is why I long have given up on societally attractive women because their morality is almost always shot and they use their keen intellect to manipulate others for what they want out of life. Go for someone more average looking with a strong mind and strong values and you will be saving yourself a lot of hassle in the long run.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 27 Oct 10

      Funny how all these people have complimented me on my advice yet all of my advice is hidden.;-) And all the people have left this site for something better as well that complimented me which also says a lot. During the years when AOL was king off the internet years ago, I met hundreds of women, never did anything with them, but enjoyed their company and friendship. Some of them were more used to guys than others and expected goodbye kisses out of a romance novel but that was only a few of them and it never went beyond that. So if no one wants to listen to advice on what to look for in a first date from me, then so be it despite my years of experience with women and my years of marriage counseling. Make your own mistakes for you know what they say, "A word to the wise is sufficient but a fool never learns.";-) Also "Fools rush in boldly where Angels fear to tread.";-) Have fun kids.;-)

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  12.   swRedlady says:
    Posted: 23 Oct 10

    Well, went on a first meet n greet this week. All seem to go well. We have more commons than uncommons. He spontaneously initiated the meeting. It was good. It was comfortable, nice, pleasant, alot of laughing, by the ways, holding hands and good conversations. We contacted everyday, via text, phone, email. I thought he was adorable. Anywho. After the meet n greet no more text, no email no contact. I reach out via text. he did ask about a personal past question. I replied honestly and explained it was 25 years ago that most people endulged in "grass". I thought honesty was best upfront than later when before the sh&% hits the fan when things are coasting and good. Well, I have not closed the door on my other connections and will move forward. Your thoughts are appreciated ! We had all the good signs. What happend, is he a cloacker? Redlady

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 24 Oct 10

      What is a cloacker? Anyway, I don't think he should hold something as little as weed that you did 25 years ago against you. Maybe he found someone that shared more of his interests or maybe he is more into booty calls after so many dates. I don't have enough information to tell what could have gone wrong. I hope things get better for you because you seem like an honest and nice lady. Take care.:-)

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      • swRedlady says:
        Posted: 24 Oct 10

        Sorry spelling error. I meant Cloaker' as in hiding ehind the nice personality and smile, when you really are looking for a booty call "only". Thanks for the input.

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        • serenity33 says:
          Posted: 25 Oct 10

          Sorry. I thought it was a term I was unfamiliar with. Yes, he definitely may have been a cloaker. That is such a shame because it gives the real nice guys a bad name. I honestly up your future experiences are done with honest men with pure motivations who aren't out for a booty call. You sound like one of the few people on here who are looking for a sincere, pure, life lasting relationship.:-) Take care.:-)

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        • kissime says:
          Posted: 12 Nov 10

          swRedlady, Move on. That's all I can say. It's crazy...I know. Just think of him as a crazy man. Anyone with mental stability or a hint of self-respect would not just disappear-especially after being in contact daily. Don't even waste your time thinking about what could had been. He's just not right. Keep your heart & mind open.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 25 Oct 10

      Anyway, I don’t think he should hold something as little as weed that you did 25 years ago against you. Maybe he found someone that shared more of his interests or maybe he is more into booty calls after so many dates. I don’t have enough information to tell what could have gone wrong. I hope things get better for you because you seem like an honest and nice lady. Take care.:-)

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  13.   Splended says:
    Posted: 21 Oct 10

    I agree Joseph! Most women is not taking into consideration about the warning signs: Bad dates, that lead to a destructive path. To many times we are told what to look for in a potential mate, but we chose to ignore the signs. What's so interesting is: most women who go out on dates that happens to turn out horrible and are left feeling uncomfortable, wouldn't say anything because fear of hurting the person feelings.( lack of confidence that led most people afraid to say what's on their mind and the fear of not finding someone good). Online dating is more and more challenging and competitive. What I have experience about online dating: A cop-out for most men who's board; want to past time and unleash their perverse behavior. Life long experience has taught these key points: Spend more time listening than talking; always trust your gut instinct; it never lead you wrong, but puts you on the right path. These guidelines able us to sift out the good from the bad. There, life becomes more and more simple for everyone!

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 22 Oct 10

      I agree with you totally and I am sad that your online experience has been so bad with those kinds of males. I guess many men online don't take other people's feelings into account when they act out in that bad manner or maybe the anonymity causes traits that are socially unacceptable to be expressed because there is no one to hold them accountable. What can I say? I am not competing for anything online or anyone because I know I am such an oddball that only a woman as skewed developmentally towards Psychology and Christianity and altruism would be interested in me and I am definitely not looking for a booty call. So I really should be no threat to other males or especially females because I never chase anyone romantically like I said on other blogs. I initiate conversations as friends but it will stay friends until the end unless the female tells me somewhere down the line that they are romantically interested in me but you will never hear that coming from me first. So everyone is safe from me except if they don't like some of the truths I am saying that may make some people look bad through guilt I suppose. I wish more women would take initiative for friendship online but I suspect most people have very limited time and are only looking for someone they can be seriously interested in from the very beginning and I don't fit the bill. No big deal to me. I consider it a weeding out process because I believe friendship that is pure must come first before anything else anyway so if I am not worth the time to be made friends with first, then they are not compatible with me psychologically. It is very freeing to be able to be honest all the time and be the same online as you are offline and I am glad to be that way. I feel sorry for those who feel they have to compete or put up a front in order to be liked and accepted but that was never my first priority in life. Helping others heal and become happy as always been my priority even if it means I am alone the rest of my life. I will always have my cats.:-)

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    • Olajola says:
      Posted: 04 Nov 10

      Amen to that.... You are so right .... I almost feel like giving up But there has to be some real men left.... Or are they " extinct species"....???

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  14.   gjones66216 says:
    Posted: 20 Oct 10

    I wonder how many female department heads of the Philosophy Department there are in Baltimore!

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 23 Oct 10

      That was many years ago, bro.;-) And she since has changed her name to her Japanese husbands last name and moved to New York plus i never dated her or laid a hand on her. So if you could manage to track her down, I don’t think she would be upset if she was mentioned. She was just many of the people I met when I was younger and was just into meeting people to learn and wasn’t looking for a date. The one’s I dated were more in my immediate environment at the time. If you like Philosophy and love to talk about it and are very knowledgeable about it, maybe she will talk to you about it if you can manage to track her down.;-) You won’t find anyone more discrete than me bro, unless you count someone like you who doesn’t even have a profile posted.;-) Of course I am not playing games and I am being totally honest all the time so I have nothing to be discrete about.;-)

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  15.   gjones66216 says:
    Posted: 20 Oct 10

    Good article, generally. What about before that first date! Perhaps an article that describes what to look for in a profile would be an appropriate, informative addition. Sure, we go to the pictures for that first spark. Do we want to see pictures of you with your ex? Should you put pictures of your kids there? Is a bunch of facial shots and no body shots (no, not talking nudies) a red flag? Cars in the pic? Old pics? What's with pictures that are taken obviously in hotel rooms? Pics that aren't current are an immediate turn off.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 20 Oct 10

      I would look for things that you have in common and try and find the profile that has the most things that you like in a person. The more interests you have stacked in your favor, the higher you compatibility ratio and the more for you to talk about. Always look for you nos very carefully because if you don't want someone with kids, or who is not going to relocate, or whatever your no list is, then keep those in mind because they should raise a red flag. Plus look for rare interests you have in common which shows that they are probably more compatible with you than the general populace is. For me, it is my study interests. Someone interested in Psychology sets things off for me as a higher compatibility chance. Few people are into that and even fewer are into Psychology and Christianity. So the combination of rare interests is even more important. And as soon as you go for the pictures for the first spark, you are impairing you judgment right there because then if you do or don't like the picture, you will cognitively restructure how you view that person and rationalize things in their favor that aren't there if you are attracted to them or negatively downplay things that aren't there if you don't like the picture. So that is not where you should want to get the spark from unless you interest is more in sex than a relationship. Then by all means, just go by pictures. And if you sound like you have to calculate every little thing to turn them on. Things naturally happen if really like their personality and if you mesh well and are compatible. There is no games to be played to try and turn off and turn on a person. If you have to resort to those calculations, then it you sound like a person on a hunt trying to manipulate your prey to get the best possible impression of you. Real dating doesn't go that way and is much more natural or should be. Again, the one's who think in the prey mentality are the one's that are usually after a booty call and are basing things on sex. Then anything goes if you are going to be a player. And it is good to look for signs that someone is not over being burned by the past. Those are the one's that won't fall for games as easily and are probably interested in a long term relationship and have learned their lessons about players. I wouldn't date them if I were you if you don't want a serious relationship and go find someone who is interested in that kind of thing because there are plenty of people who are out there for that. Hope that was helpful to you and answered your questions.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 26 Oct 10

      1 Corinthians 6:9-10 warns us, “Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners shall inherit the kingdom of God.”

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  16.   nessie6 says:
    Posted: 16 Sep 10

    You know I do like you Joseph, God bless you for everything you said here, is really very very difficult for people to be honest with themselves especially when it comes to relationship, this day and age people think when you have sex with someone then the relationship becomes all that one wanted but is rather not so, especially women are so vulnerable with dating because women think when they reach certain age their clock is ticking so the do things in extreme fashion just to get a man, but is wrong men knows that so they will deceive you by wanting to be romantic with you and say all manner of interesting topics to capture your mind, and then deceive you, there are men who exploit women on the internet a lot some women will show their nakedness on the web cam to men, because the man said so if you wont expose yourself to them they keep hunting until they find vulnerable women who will do that for them and that is a problem and is very troubling what kind of class do you have to meet somone that you have not met or do not have a relationship and talk into exposing yourself to them, they are perverts and they do not want anything serious then ease themselves , because somone man have told me that I am too hard to please and said he has women who do what he says but with me I wont, and I said my up bringing was totally different and I have some class so I dont bow to any body's irresponsible sort of thing to let myself go so stupidily that way.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 22 Oct 10

      Thanks for the encouragement nessie6. It is greatly appreciated and I agree with everything you have said. But too many people don’t like my views because my views make them feel guilty about their actions and way of being. I hope to bring enlightenment for people to change and be happier in relationships like I do in my marriage counseling job. Men are slick with their romantic statements and other things to deceive women and women are too quick to show their bodies online to try and entice the sex-crazed men. I don’t think you are too hard to please and you shouldn’t settle than less than what you are looking for. No one should and it is better to keep sex out of the equation between potential couples because like I keep telling people, it is the easiest part of the marriage. Compatibility and personality growth together are the hardest parts of a marriage. Sex is most wonderful in a happy marriage as opposed to being done just for hedonistic pleasure but sadly, most people will never know that feeling because they can’t wait and ruin their chances later on when they do get married. Better to remain single your entire life than to compromise your standards especially if they are deeper ones. If you are holding out for shallow reasons, then you deserve to be alone. Of course my own personal view is the Christianity helps but that is my own biased view and I am the first to admit it. Thanks again and I hope you find a guy worthy of you.

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  17.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 01 Sep 10

    And to answer your other question, my faith is strong enough for both of us Kev so I will pray for you like you asked.:-)

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  18.   blm70 says:
    Posted: 01 Sep 10

    I'm actually agreeing with Joseph's last post. I break all the rules on the first date. The woman I want, will want to skip the bs and talk about beliefs and values. Little bit more informative than what their favorite band is. And it's not so much 'are you religious?; but 'is your faith strong enough for both us, as I do not pray?' seriously, not mockingly... im agnostic, not an aethiest. Bitterness look when thinking about past, any felonies, lol.. I will talk about things in the past that shaped me to who I am now. Or ask them for a 'lesson learn' from prev relationship (like 'more communication' - not describe the past event). I still don't know her favorite band... ~kev

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 23 Oct 10

      Thanks for agreeing with me, blm70. Good to know someone else skips the bs and talks about values and beliefs. And no problem about asking me about my religious background. To answer your question, i am a Pastoral Counselor who is some type of Christianity and does marriage and premarital counseling. I guess if religion is not an issue for you , then you don’t need to bring it up as long as she isn’t religious either.

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  19.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 10

    Depends on the type of relationship you are looking for. If you want it shallow, keep out religion, politics and past relationships. But if you are looking for a possible relationship that will lead to marriage, then you should find out whether you are compatible in that area or not so you don't waste your time with someone you wouldn't be interested in in the first place if you knew about their past. If your religions differ too much, wouldn't you want to know that right off so you don't waste your time? Of if you have been single your entire life, wouldn't you want to know if someone was divorced so you know they have a failed relationship with a lot of baggage behind them? And politics, if they are a hard core conservative and you are liberal, you are bound to disagree on fundamental things that you do in your every day life. So the more you know about important things, the safer you are for long term relationships. Of course if you are just looking for a booty call, then it doesn't matter and you can stay on shallow things.

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  20.   Newawlunzguy says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 10

    Religion, politics and past relationships are topics ill suited for a first meeting as noted by dating experts. It's better to keep the initial conversation light and explore more personable topics.

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  21.   Newawlunzguy says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 10

    I've experienced more success when meeting someplace where thoughts and ideas can take place. Perhaps a coffee shop. the ability to converse and communicate is essential in determining if there's to be a "second" meeting. However, there's a number of topics that might be avoided that first time: politics, religion, past relationships - not necessarily in that order. I enjoy learning about the movie types you enjoy, books you've read, the types of vacations you like to take. Those help define you as a person and share a bit of your personality. It's important to become acquainted, but too familiar - at least not on the first meeting.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 22 Oct 10

      Actually people who don’t want to talk about religion, politics and past relationships on their first date are usually the ones with something to hide. If you are truly honest and want the relationship to be honest, the only topic that should be off limit is sex because that would mean you are just after sex. So women, if you hear any sexual remarks while in this otherwise safe environment, you know full well what the guy’s true agenda is.

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  22.   sweetness102 says:
    Posted: 26 Aug 10

    I enjoyed reading your post and it's hard to find someone these days that is as honest as you. I am seeking a long term relationship also,but it seems that the men I meet online are just seeking sex. I am just about ready to give up.The first man to respond to me was all about talking about sex. I really tried to be lady like, but he made it impossible for me to hold my tongue. I just had to tell him that I was not what he was looking for and he thought that it was funny. I think that the world has gone mad. At first I thought that it was the younger men with the sexual issues but now I see the older ones are just as bad. I hope to meet Mr. Right one day.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 22 Oct 10

      Thanks for the compliment. It is nice to hear from the minute minority who agrees with me. I have been saying for ages that men are just after sex and many of the women to and they just keep censoring me or hiding my messages because people don’t want to hear the truth. People use these blogs to hookup and hit on each other and aren’t really following the topic except gratuitously. Others are just on to read about an online romance novel rather than buying one to read. People only tell the truth when it benefits them and makes them look good. You are a black female so you are safe but be a white male like me exposing the truth about things and you will get hammered!! Let’s see if this blog gets censored or disliked out of existence. I wish all women were like you and then I would have little to talk about on these blogs.:-)

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      • JNB says:
        Posted: 22 Jul 13

        Serenity33 thank God for men like you who will speak and stand by the truth. God bless you

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    • tosen says:
      Posted: 24 Oct 10

      hey sweetness....you are absolutly right ...... i agree with you hmm so maybe one should become a lesbian ...hehe

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    • Meka01 says:
      Posted: 11 Feb 12

      I agree with you as well. It is so hard to find Mr Right. one guy I was chatting with invited me to an adult party-swingers party, another guy wanted me to send him money in africa, another guy was way too old. No thanks! I'm at the point now where I want give up on love. I know true love exist but I'm just not sure where to find it. be blessed-

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    • coolshanny says:
      Posted: 13 Jul 12

      I agree with you. I have all but given up on finding Mr. Right online. I am going to say what is a real turn off to me. When I try and have a conversation to get to know about that person. The man will try and lead the conversation to sex. I hate that!! I feel like I have logged into a porn site by accident. I don't need to see your body parts nor do you need to see mine. I even say on my profile that I am not a boody call. I wish men would stop tying to send naked pic's have phone sex and start a conversation on a level of respect for women. I would ask men this question...if a women sent nude pic's. Of herself to you don't you think she would be sending them to other men? And the same goes for men. I tend to ask this question of men like this, if they can have a conversation with a woman or is it just easier for them to talk about sex. I am not a prud but I do have respect for myself. I am not saying all men are this way but a majority of them are. To have a meaniful relationship you need to lay a good foundation first. If you want a classy lady then respect her and don't talk about sex. If things progress to the level it will happen in time. Also think about this...if you had a daughter would you want her sending, talking or sexing to a stange man she met online? I know I will probably get a lot of flack for what I am saying but I call it how I have seen it.

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      • trackgirl15 says:
        Posted: 13 Jul 12

        OMG! I thought i was the only person experiencing the "sex talk". I had a "text" conversation with a guy and he wanted to know if I was a freak in bed. Didn't even ask me my name. When I refused to go along with him he called me "boring" and said I am self centered and closed minded. Imagine that? LOL

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  23.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 21 Aug 10

    I agree with this article as a whole. I think though the perfect first date shouldn't be a romantic one. It should be casual as friends because you don't want it to turn into a one night stand or anything sexual. A solid friendship should be established first before a relationship starts and getting sexual especially before marriage can cause trouble and exacerbate the baggage factor. My favorite place of choice is Starbucks. They have comfortable chairs there and and a relaxed atmosphere. And if you are fortunate enough to connect on ideas, you can stay as long as they are open. I have had some good dates and made good friends as Starbucks and talked for hours. Often if you can tell that they are nervous especially about meeting someone online, you can bring a friend along and tell them to bring a friend along and that will ease some of the tension. Let me tell you about two online dates that I had with women that didn't turn out well. Both of them were online people that I met for the first time. One was the head of the Philosophy Department of Baltimore University. She was very hippy like but attractive. She was white. I brought my room mate along from Seminary and we went and had pizza. She was of course a vegetarian so we had to eat a pizza that was suitable to her liking. She had been very sexually active and had told me about the different guys online so we had learned a great deal from each other from talking online for hours. It really wasn't a date per se and she was nervous but used humor to express it. Her first words when I met her were "Are you going to rape me and kill me and leave me in a ditch?" I said no of course and took it as a joke. We ate pizza and my room mate who was very quiet didn't say anything the entire time. So we got to talking and we reached our common ground of Philosophy since she was brilliant in that area but I held my own with her easily being into Philosophy enough. She relaxed and warmed up to me and we talked for hours about really in depth philosophy which was refreshing to me because I don't have many people to talk deep philosophy with. But she wasn't Christian and she had probably with many males in general because she had a hard time getting to be the head of the Philosophy department at Baltimore University and had to prove herself constantly against an all male staff. So she had to be much better than she would have had to be if she was a male. I did empathize with her dealing with sexism. Although she was a tiny thing, she still let me give her a warm hug when we said goodbye. But I could see we weren't compatible on a spiritual level and a moral level. So I just talked to her online and just kept it as friends and she had an Asian fetish which was fine with me and eventually married an older Japanese man. I wish her the best but I was careful to keep things in the friendship zone because she had an interest in me because of my brilliance in Philosophy but that is not enough to base a relationship on. The Second one was worse from my perspective. I was talking to an Americanized Filipino woman who was a counselor and into psychology as well as I was. But she had a real high sex drive and had been around and she had and Irish fetish which she later married and settled down, thank God. She was very open online about her past sexual history and I made the mistake of flirting with her online. She was more secure and was fine with meeting me in public. I brought my quiet room mate along again and we went to an Italian restaurant to eat and talk and she was a pretty woman as well. I kept the conversation on background information and counseling and I could tell she was rapidly getting bored. She was not Christian either and had loose morality but we got along well online especially since she was very intelligent in the Psychological field like myself. So we spent many hours online talking. Anyway, it started raining like crazy outside and I didn't want to make her suffer more since she seemed so bored so I suggested we part ways since we were done eating. She was fine with that and was ready to leave. I could tell that she thought I didn't find her attractive by the way she was acting because I wasn't acting like a horny slob like so many other guys would. Now I am very affectionate in general and especially in relationships which helps to make up for no sex before marriage. So I have spent many hours kissing women and caressing women's faces and hair and nibbling on their airs and stuff like that. Every thing is always above the neck but as long as it is above the neck, then anything goes. Well I had told her that I expected a good bye kiss when I was talking to her online which she was fine with. So when she glumly was heading for the door, I reminded her about the kiss and that I wanted one before she left. So they had an alcove at the restaurant which is where I gave her a ten minute passionate kiss. Suddenly her attitude changed. Before she didn't want to tell me where she live and now she wanted me to come to her apartment. And her car "mysteriously" wouldn't start according to her and could she ride with us. My room mate was driving so I made sure the back seat was clear and she asked if it was okay if she sat on my lap for the ride so I was like sure, whatever. And she suddenly was very animated and happy. It was cramped with her on my lap sitting on top of me but we were both okay with it. We got to her apartment and she told me which one it was and asked me to come in. I knew what she meant because I know a horny female when I see one. Well thank God my room mate was there because i didn't want to violate my beliefs so I said no thank you because we had to get my room mate back because he has a Seminary project to do which was only partially true. Did part of me want to have sex with her. Of course. I am a human being and I liked her as a person and also thought she was attractive. But I know my conscience couldn't live with that and I would be a hypocrite to all the people I counsel and always tell them to wait until marriage before having sex. So I passed up that opportunity and although she asked me to come back when we talked online, I made excuses and she finally went for a local Irish guy who she married. The moral of the story is that not all men are horny pigs with no self control and you can control yourself if you want to because we do have free will. And have other stories similar to that one but you get the point. Exercise your free will and don't be a drone. If you are looking for a long term relationship, don't ruin it with sex and find someone that you are compatible with on the deepest levels. For me it is my Christianity but find what are the most important things in your life that aren't hedonistic and shallow and date someone with those qualities. Then you have a chance of building to a healthy long term relationship that could lead to a happy marriage since it is built on deeper more altruistic things. Joseph Moyer

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    • 2martini says:
      Posted: 24 Aug 10

      Joseph, I really appreciate your relating your experiences. Some people are very shallow and expect the fact they they desire you, it should change your mind. I do like the idea of waiting, because it allows you to cross the hurdles and clear the challenges you may face to go further. If , in fact , that is your desire. For those who simply want to bed someone, it is way too easy, to find a willing person to do it. But in all honesty, I feel once the New wears off, they will definitely be on to the next. This type of be behavior can be very dangerous. Thank God for a working conscience, as well as a desire to build a stable, happy, healthy, long term relationship!

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      • serenity33 says:
        Posted: 23 Oct 10

        n you your conscience is working. But in most people, they surround themselves with peers who encourage their shallow behavior and they stay shallow their entire lives and just keep busy so they don’t let their conscience get to them. Plus if you are shallow long enough, your conscience becomes cauterized and you stop feeling it after awhile. I have noticed this with excons and even delinquent kids I have worked with. That’s why my older brother got out of counseling because he says no one ever changes especially past a certain childhood stage. So that is why he is now teaching kindergarten to try and get them as young as possible and instill a good conscience in them. I wish everyone had your desire to have a stable, happy, healthy, long term relationship but most people don’t. They fool themselves into thinking they do so they can rationalize their booty calls as leading to something deeper when it never really does except for messed up relationships. There are two psychological techniques they can use to fool themselves called “half-think” and “subconscious” rule. Never underestimate a person’s ability to deceive themselves. Until they confront the natural evil that is inside of all of us and vow to fight it every day, they will never grow to the point of being totally honest with themselves on a conscious level. It is this self-deception and desire for people to be deceived that leads to these shallow relationships and booty calls and unwanted kids. But like I said, the personal facade and denial is hard to overcome with our society of instant gratification and our desire to surround ourselves with other people who are doing the same thing and give us what we want to hear. That is why the song Sweet Dreams is so poignant with its words. “I have traveled the world and seven seas, everybody is looking for something, some of them what to use you, some of them want to be used by you, some of them want abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” Keep your desire to wait and have a healthy relationship and your God as your conscience and don’t give in to society and temptation. I am glad you appreciated my previous post. Not many people would. Thanks.:-)

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