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Top 5 Dating Hang-Ups and How to Ditch Them

Posted by Ro571, 10 Jul

Doubts, insecurities, cynicism and negative thinking can dog a dater after even a few bad experiences or a drought between satisfying relationships. The following hang-ups are extremely common, but better jettisoned to make room for confidence. If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking any of the following things, let me explain why you never need to again!

Dating Hang-Up #1: “The kind of person I want has better options than me”

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While it’s possible that you’ve set your standards too high and are dating way “out of your league,” I can tell you one thing—if you believe this, you have no chance of winning the heart of the one you want. People want to date equals, not someone who obviously feels inferior to them. To give yourself a shot with someone whose overall attractiveness is intimidating, constantly remind yourself of your own value. Before you see this person, mentally review the list of wonderful things you have to offer a partner. Think about your best traits. Imagine the scenarios where you’re confident that you would make your date very happy. (If you’re having trouble coming up with what’s great about yourself, talk to your friends and family. Ask them what they like about you—chances are, it’s applicable to a romantic relationship as well.)

Never think about other people who might be “better” for your date. Just confidently make your best case for yourself and see what happens. You might be surprised at who appreciates you!

Furthermore, putting someone up on a pedestal is always a mistake. They’re sure to disappoint you, which is no fun for either of you, and before they do you are going to feel insecure when being comfortable in your own skin will make you much more attractive to them.

Dating Hang-Up #2: “My body’s not good enough”

This is a corollary to the last one. How many perfect bodies are there in the dating pool? Do you expect your date to have one? Most of us are not professional athletes, models or actors. You don’t have to have six-pack abs or a great butt. Just try your best to be healthy and fit. Eat well, go to the gym or exercise outdoors, and concentrate your available resources on attainable goals for yourself. You’ll find that if you’re making small improvements to your routine—spending an extra 10 minutes on the Elliptical Trainer, saying no to dessert, taking the stairs one day instead of the elevator—will increase your confidence. But don’t wait to lose 50 pounds before you feel good about yourself. You may be waiting a long time! Life is short. Replace negative thoughts like “I’m fat, maybe I’ll be attractive if I do X or Y” with “I’m moving in the right direction with my health” and “I have a good body and it doesn’t need to be perfect.”

Again, remember that people pick up on how you feel about yourself. It’s a cue to them about how to feel about you. Why should they find you desirable if you don’t? I’m not saying to pay no attention to your appearance or stop taking care of yourself—quite the opposite—but remind yourself about your best attributes (maybe your eyes? Your smile? Whatever the case may be) and don’t obsess about your weak spots.

Dating Hang-Up #3: “Nobody wants a serious relationship these days, they just want sex”

This is such a myth! The casual daters are usually pretty upfront about it and easily avoidable but most people, at the end of the day, want to find their life partner. Do you know anyone who never wants to fall in love? I think most human beings agree that love is one of the greatest experiences we can have, and most of us would like to have it! The sooner, the better. So stop thinking this and just ignore the folks who are still notching their bed-posts—there are PLENTY of singles online who share your goal of true love, right now.

Dating Hang-Up #4: "I have kids. Who wants to deal with that?"

Actually, a lot of people do. Growing to care about someone else’s kid doesn’t bring with it the same pressures and expectations that having your own does, and can deliver the same moments of pride, joy, and connection. Most adults are comfortable playing some kind of role in the lives of their partner’s children, whether or not it ever comes to marriage and adoption. And there’s often the Brady Bunch scenario, where single parents blend their families. Simply put, most people have children sooner or later and a lot of them become single again, somewhere down the road. You aren’t alone and shouldn’t feel bad about this for one second. No, you shouldn’t date people who won’t accept that you and your kids are a package deal, but if you’re up front about this you’ll find that a lot of people understand your situation. Those are the folks you want to date.

Dating Hang-Up #5: "I get nervous on a date and never know the right thing to say. I’m boring!"

Remember that your job on a date is not to entertain the other person from the minute they arrive to the minute they leave. You’re there to get to know each other and find out if you’re compatible or not. Just because you’re not a world-class surgeon, skydiver or TV personality doesn’t mean you’re boring. The details of your life, your childhood, your interests, pet peeves and favorites are going to be interesting to the right person. So don’t be shy, be yourself.

That said, you don’t want to only talk about yourself—there’s a big world out there! Being plugged into our fascinating times is a turn-on for most people. Don’t rehearse in front of the mirror or anything, but give yourself a number of conversational topics before the date that you feel comfortable discussing in some detail. Check the news, the TV listings, Entertainment Weekly, Sports Illustrated or whatever you think your date might be interested in. When you run across something that interests you too, read up on it and formulate some opinions. Give yourself two or three different lines of conversation to pursue. Even if one or more don’t go anywhere or you never get to them, you’ll feel more confident in conversation knowing that you’ve got something to turn to in a lull. That said, definitely don’t force anything into conversation, look for segues before you change topics.

These are five of the foremost hang-ups that keep people from dating with hope, confidence and a fun attitude. Remember that those three things virtually guarantee you a good time, and certainly hold more promise for finding the love of your life than a defeatist attitude. Banish these hang-ups from your mind and you’re more attractive already!

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13 responses to "Top 5 Dating Hang-Ups and How to Ditch Them"

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  1.   ElegantBelle says:
    Posted: 17 Nov 10

    Studies can never reveal how many men or women want serious relationship because it's such a fluid subject. The figures are constantly changing and when most people talk about serious relationship, they compare reality to media/Hollywood relationship. They tend to overlook the number of successful ones and just focus on the number of unsuccessful ones...which is why many people are single>they get their dating/relationship tips from Cosmo, Gossip Girl, Sex and the City and other air head shows like that. A tip that works for Bianca might not work for Jason or Alana and so on and thats a fact!

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  2.   Afilaka says:
    Posted: 01 Nov 10

    Sorry for the typing errors in my previous emial- "I disagree with you a bit about people not wanting serious relationships these day. The fact is many people especially men these days do not want a serious relationship. When you see a 40 year old man saying things on his profile such as “Short term relationship” or ” undecided ” about having children you know that are just not looking for something serious. On the other hand, some want something serious, but cannot be bothered to put in the little effort that men are suppose to put in traditionally. Some people are so lazy they just copy and paste a one-lined email to as many girls as possible to see if any will reply. Some people cannot be bothered to reply emails. I think 90% of people are not really interested in having 1-2-1 relationships. They may have joined with the intention of finding somene special but they get so engrossed and addicted to the online serial dating thing that they cant be bothered about "real" relationships. How sad... Its a shame many people just want to keep sending emails or worst still, flirts for months on end.

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  3.   Afilaka says:
    Posted: 01 Nov 10

    I disagree with you a bit people not wanting aserious relationship these day. The fact is many many these days do not want a serious nrelationship. When you see a 40 year old man saying things on his profile such as "Short tem relationship" or " undecided " about having children you know that are just not into looking for something serious. On the other hand, some want something serious, but cannot be bothered to put in the little effort that men are suppose to put in traditionally. Some are some peoiple are so lazy they just copy and paste a onelined email to as many girls as possible to see if any will reply. I think 90% of people are not interested in a 1-2-1 relationship.

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  4.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 28 Oct 10

    The major hangup that they didn’t mention was emotional baggage from past relationships. These need to be resolved before you can be mentally healthy enough to start a new and healthy relationship or otherwise you will bring it into your new relationship and risk ruining that. This is true especially if you are divorced. If you haven’t worked through the emotional baggage of your divorce, then you won’t be fit to have a new healthy relationship. That is where counseling is helpful to help unburden yourself and make a new fresh start.:-) And I disagree about many people not just wanting sex. Sex is the thing that has been indoctrinated into us the most in our culture which people need to be deprogrammed from making it the number one priority in a deep relationship if they want the relationship to last. Most people though are too lazy to actually take the time to get rid of baggage from past relationships and just blindly jump into the next relationship and they act so surprised when that one doesn't work out either.;-)

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  5.   moonchild says:
    Posted: 27 Sep 10

    Moonchild, What website are you meeting those over 50 white guys that are too old for you, have round bellies, and snow white hair? I am a 48 year old black woman that has never dated or entertain the thought of dating outside of my race until now. I am thinking maybe it is not to late for me.

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  6.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 10

    The topic isn't that general. It is specifically talking about 5 common hangups and how to ditch them. Does anyone with these hangups or the one I mentioned have something pertinent to say on the topic? I would love to hear about how people deal with their hangups including the one I mentioned so please post and share your insights especially people who have gone through these.

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  7.   Newawlunzguy says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 10

    Everyone has fears. We just need to put them aside in order for us to obtain the things we want.

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  8.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 10

    The major hangup that they didn't mention was emotional baggage from past relationships. These need to be resolved before you can be mentally healthy enough to start a new and healthy relationship or otherwise you will bring it into your new relationship and risk ruining that. This is true especially if you are divorced. If you haven't worked through the emotional baggage of your divorce, then you won't be fit to have a new healthy relationship. That is where counseling is helpful to help unburden yourself and make a new fresh start.:-) And I disagree about many people not just wanting sex. Sex is the thing that has been indoctrinated into us the most in our culture which people need to be deprogrammed from making it the number one priority in a deep relationship if they want the relationship to last.

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    • Squozen says:
      Posted: 13 Oct 10

      @serenity33. Yes everyone is wanting sex but that is not everyone's only or primary desire. It's only part of the whole for many.

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      • serenity33 says:
        Posted: 16 Oct 10

        Everyone is wanting sex but it depends on the percentage of your motivation that wants sex. For some individuals like me, the percentage is in the single percentages because of being so fussy about what they want in a personality. But for most people, it is the majority of their desire and is still too high a percentage for the relationship to work or be healthy. Plus you should be with someone that has the same percentage of looking for sex that you want which most people never bother to do. They just settle and compromise and try to keep the one who wants sex more, at bay and tries to make them meet their first priorities before meeting the other person's higher priority of sex. Relationships shouldn't have to be a sexual compromise. For most people, especially men, it is their primary desire and women compromise and give into sex after the man has met the woman's needs for self-esteem reinforcement which leads to men giving false personality compliments and listening to women for hours about things the men don't care about while they wait for the female to get satisfied in her primary needs until he can have sex. It is a sad scenario that I see played out again and again. It is better for everyone to be honest what their primary interests are and match up according to how badly either person wants sex so the highly sexually motivated couples can get to it and the ones that care about sharing more about personality traits and communicating what is on their mind can pair up without the sexual compromise and fakeness on either person's side as they wait for sex as the finale which was their final goal in the first place.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 16 Oct 10

      The major hangup that they didn’t mention was emotional baggage from past relationships. These need to be resolved before you can be mentally healthy enough to start a new and healthy relationship or otherwise you will bring it into your new relationship and risk ruining that. This is true especially if you are divorced. If you haven’t worked through the emotional baggage of your divorce, then you won’t be fit to have a new healthy relationship. That is where counseling is helpful to help unburden yourself and make a new fresh start.:-) And I disagree about many people not just wanting sex. Sex is the thing that has been indoctrinated into us the most in our culture which people need to be deprogrammed from making it the number one priority in a deep relationship if they want the relationship to last. But if both parties are just interested in sex primarily, then by all means be honest about it and go for it but don't play games with each other about it.

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  9.   Amelia123 says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 10

    Your blog are more informative for me. So please send me more dating tips dating singles

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 22 Oct 10

      The major hangup that they didn’t mention was emotional baggage from past relationships. These need to be resolved before you can be mentally healthy enough to start a new and healthy relationship or otherwise you will bring it into your new relationship and risk ruining that. This is true especially if you are divorced. If you haven’t worked through the emotional baggage of your divorce, then you won’t be fit to have a new healthy relationship. That is where counseling is helpful to help unburden yourself and make a new fresh start.:-) And I disagree about many people not just wanting sex. Sex is the thing that has been indoctrinated into us the most in our culture which people need to be deprogrammed from making it the number one priority in a deep relationship if they want the relationship to last.

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