How Risky Is It to Break the Commitment First Rule and Have Sex?

We received an email from a reader who calls herself: "Sexually frustrated in the Big Apple". It reads:

I’m a 34-year old woman living in New York City, looking for that great love. I get asked on a lot of dates, however, it’s been difficult to find a wonderful, committed relationship after I broke up with my ex of 2 years. I don’t like to have casual sex…so this means I haven’t had sex in a while, and I’m dying over here, Evan!!

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I’m currently dating a guy I’m crazy about and really want to sleep with, but I haven’t dared suggest commitment because I know he’s gun shy about a relationship and I don’t want to scare him away. When I give him space, he keeps coming around (think good old “why men love bitches” approach). We have really, really nice hook-ups but no sex yet (it’s been about 2.5 months) because he knows I only do that with men I’m committed to and he isn’t there (yet?).

If I’m looking for love, I have to keep sticking to sex only with commitment, right? Waiting to have sex until I’m committed to someone is taking so long (it’s so hard to say that out loud – gosh). Part of me just really wants to do it already with the 2.5-month guy and not have a chat about it, but maybe it’s too risky? Is there ever a scenario where it’s safe for a woman to have sex with a man she’s been out with 5-6 times, even before they’ve had a “commitment” conversation, and she does hope they might end up in a committed relationship?

– Sexually frustrated in the Big Apple

Dear Sex,

Dating advice isn’t so much about “rules” as it is about “guidelines.”

For everything I’ve ever written, I can find an exception or contradiction, which is why it’s so important to figure out how specific advice applies to YOU.

Please, allow me to refer you to two blog posts where I straddle both sides of the fence.

Why Women Should Make Men Wait for Sex

Can You Have Meaningless Sex While You’re Looking for a Long-Term Relationship?

In the former, I lay out a point-by-point, logical case as to why women, in general, would be wiser to not sleep with men before commitment. In short, it sucks to sleep with a guy and see him looking for other women online the next morning. If you don’t like that feeling, then stop sleeping with men and keeping your fingers crossed that they commit.

In the second post, I allude to my stance on “sexclusivity.” I think it’s smart to vet your partner as boyfriend material BEFORE you sleep with him, but I’m quick to acknowledge that if YOU can handle the consequences of sleeping with a guy who is not your boyfriend, more power to you. Some women can’t. Sexclusivity is for them.

Now, let’s bring this back to you and your situation (which will probably be resolved before this blog even posts, unfortunately).

I understand what it means to be “dying” for sex. Not because I’m married, but because, I, too stopped sleeping with women who weren’t my girlfriend for a few years before I got married. (Different reasons for me: I hated to sleep with women I knew I wouldn’t date and got sick of the headaches and drama that sex caused.)

This guy doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. If he did, he’d already be your boyfriend.

But this paragraph had me alarmed on a couple of levels:

"I’m currently dating a guy I’m crazy about and really want to sleep with, but I haven’t dared suggest commitment because I know he’s gun shy about a relationship and I don’t want to scare him away. When I give him space, he keeps coming around (think good old “why men love bitches” approach). We have really, really nice hook-ups but no sex yet (it’s been about 2.5 months) because he knows I only do that with men I’m committed to and he isn’t there (yet?)."

Whew. Let’s whip through those red flags quickly, shall we?

1. “I haven’t dared suggest commitment.” You shouldn’t have to. He should WANT to commit.

2. “He’s gun shy about a relationship.” Why would you WANT a boyfriend who is gun shy about relationships? If you’re looking for “great love,” wouldn’t it stand to reason it would be with a man who is ALSO excited about “great love”?

3. “When I give him space…” If you’re mirroring, you’re not “giving him space,” you’re just living your life and paying attention to his efforts to become your boyfriend.

4. “It’s been about 2.5 months…and he isn’t there yet.” And that’s the kicker, Sex.

This guy doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. If he did, he’d already be your boyfriend. Right now, he’s using you for blowjobs and hoping you soften your stance on intercourse.

So, unless you just want to use him for sex in return, cut things off with him and find yourself a guy who steps up to become your boyfriend in less than 6 weeks.

It’s not too long to wait for sex and it’ll save you the trouble of waiting for this non-committal fool to step up the way you want him to.

Good luck.

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• About Evan Marc Katz
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