Dating Hall Of Shame

Dr. Wright interviews Heidi Neihart who started Dating Hall of Shame.com. Heidi is a syndicated columnist who brought her columns together into a book called Kiss and Tell Advice and Recipes for Singles. The site is a place for people to get dating advice but this brought back memories of all the bad dates she has had.So she created a place where people can share their stories and have a laugh together.

This is Dr. Leticia Wright with IDC dating.com. IDC dating is where we're creating multicultural relationship everyday. Today's broadcast is with Heidi Neihart. She is from Dating Hall of Shame. This is a great website where anybody that is dating, because we kind of always ends "What you really looking to do for people?"

Well, I think...I started Dating Hall of Shame.com as a way to put my book out there Kiss and Tell Advice and Recipes for Singles, which is a collection of my columns. I was a former syndicated single columnist around the country and so, I really wanted to have a place for people to go to get some dating advice, and then I remembered all of the bad dates that I've on. Dating can be (inaudible) different things. It can be fun. It can be challenging. It can be exciting, but there is also kind of a down side where you have bad dates. So, I thought your friends get tired of listening to you complaining about that bad dates and there really should be a place where you can go that frustration, get some dating advice, and I think the most important thing is have a laugh. (Inaudible) what happens is that after you have a bad date you can have a lot of negative feelings that go through your mind, and are you going to be single forever, someone never going to like me, and all of these things, and I think it is important to know that yes, there will be someone that will be matched and to be able to just laughed at some other people's situation and commensurate with them.

So, on your site actually a reader cannot only read other people's stories but they can get their own stories and just post them?

Yes. You can submit your story at [email protected] or you can click on the website, and there is a place under reader's stories to submit your story, and I need to make to this clear, it is not a (inaudible) at this site. We do not use names, we do not use dates; we only used peoples stories or first initials. So, there is no let me go and check and see if so and so is on the website that is not what it's all about. It's all about having some fun, getting a laugh, getting some advice, and being able to really get yourself ready to get back out in the dating scene again.

Okay and it's a great opportunity to really just purge that bad date and moved on.

That's right exactly.

Tell us about some of those funny stories that you've come up. I know the stories are constantly changing because new people are posting, but what are some of your personal favorites?

My personal favorites are from a couple of guys where in they all have the same stories, which I kind of found interesting that they had gone to pick up their dates, and when they got to the door, the date's boyfriend happened to be at the house. I thought that was really interesting because not only it is kind of funny but it is like you know have some comments (inaudible). If you're going to cheat on your significant other then you really should be a little bit smarter about it and you shouldn't cheat on someone. You really should have the guts to tell someone you're not interested in dating them anymore. I mean that is really all about it, having some common deeds and see whether it is your first date or 50th date, or you've been in a relationship for two or three years.

Really just be (inaudible) and so they where all at the door and the dates were basically, their boyfriends were answering the door.

Right and some got to a fist fight and I mean that's never a good way to start a first date. Your date should not have to bring boxing gloves to go out and pick you up.

That was clearly an issue with their dates and not with the guy themselves; there really wasn't a reflection on them.

No, exactly and one of my other favorites which people have to go at the website and read because I can't say it on air, but it is about a cowboy and a female body part. So, definitely that should be checked out.

Okay.

Then, one reader wrote and I think this is kind of theme that runs around bad dates for woman is guys who are cheap. This woman went out on a date. The guy picked her up and went to a restaurant. Now, as they were seated, he has looked at her and he said, "You need to eat cheap. I only have five dollars. You can only order a salad but that's okay you don't looked like you need more than that." So, now (inaudible) he was really rude. He ended up ordering a steak, going to the bar, and ordering a drink and when the waitress, he was waiting happened to see him at the bar, he had a lot of cash in his wallet. So, he was just cheaping out on her. It is not right. It is funny because I tell people it is okay not have money. You don't have to have money, you don't have to take someone out on expensive date but it is not okay to be cheap. Just make an inexpensive date, take her for a cup of coffee or take him for a cup of tea whether happens to be you don't need to spend a lot of money, but you should not be cheap.

Wow! That's really an exciting. I bet she couldn't wait to tell some people about that. That's really very, very...that's a fantastic story. I got to go to your website now to start reading out. Tell us a little a bit Kiss and Tell.

Kiss and Tell. I'm a former syndicated single columnist. The book is designed for people not only going out and single people just meeting some other people and relationship as well. It kind of follow a story of, the first chapter is all about getting to know someone and rest is as follow are (inaudible) and things you would make when you just meeting someone, and then we go on until you're dating a few months or so, and went to the right time to make a meal for someone, it's kind of a lot of initial relationship stage, and then we go into breakup of course because it is always breakup where you need that comfort food, and we talked about when you're really in a relationship heading towards marriage it's cooking like your mom his or yours, and that may have a whole section on holidays, meeting the future in-laws, meeting their parents, and holidays pressures, Valentine's day, what do you get for someone, how long have you been dating, and that type of thing.

Now at IDC dating.com were about meeting people. So, let's talk about the meeting people section.

Okay.

Tell us what do you...(inaudible) when we first start to meet people. How do we find out about them without giving them, the third degree?

Well, I think there's a lot about dating that happened in stages of your life, and I think it depends upon what stages of your dating history you are. In your early 20s, I think you have a lot more opportunity. It is not as much pressure to get married and get in that long significant relationship. So, you could spend a little bit more time getting to know someone, but as you get into your 30s, you know that you are looking for someone; you know you want to settle down, and I think that asking more pertinent questions on the first and second date are okay. It is okay to start talking to someone about more serious issues, may be not so much, so you want to get married tomorrow, but talking about how they feel about life issues.

Okay and really kind of finding out if you are on the same page and may be what's (inaudible) and what is not?

I think that is very important and I also say it is okay to ask these types of question. It is okay to answer these types of question and still not want to date the person again, but I also recommend for people (inaudible) they get older and get more serious about wanting to meet someone to settle down to always give someone a second chance. I think the first date, you feel so awkward, you're so nervous, because all of these things you're thinking about in your mind as you trying to talk to someone, you always kind of thinking about next thing to say. So, you really don't really enjoy the moment. So, I always recommend for people to go out with someone at least two or three times because you'll never know that first initial impression may change and I actually know a few people who've gone back and done that and have ended up dating that person, one of them actually got married thereon. So, I think that it's good to give people a chance.

It's good to at least try it more than one time because you never really know and it's really important that we don't miss something. We can tell we missed something because we're nervous not because that person is not being forthcoming.

Right! Exactly, you'll never know and I just think it is important to really...and then at that point you can use, let say, okay, this really isn't working out or may be we'll just be friend or something, but you just never know.

Okay. Let's talk about our bad date recovery kit because I think that is such a great idea.

Of that date recovery kit, I just kind of designed that final gift either give yourself for a friend and there's always things that you can do to really rejuvenate yourself, re-energize, and get yourself ready to get back out on the dating scene. It got washed the date-a-way bubble bath and a little bath time, so you can soaked the bad date away, scrubbed off the bad kits, whatever it happens to be, it got chocolate, because every bad date or breakup you need to have some chocolate.

(Inaudible) can't do without that.

No, no can't do without the chocolate. It some tissues that little lip or heart, lip tissues where you can use to dry your tears and then you have your little black address book and heart pen so you can start putting some new phone numbers in your black book.

Okay.

Some nail polish and some lip balm, so you can get yourself looking good to be back out there. Now, also have a grouping of tons of dating affirmation, some funny, some series but just things that you can looked in the mirror and say to yourself to get yourself psyched up and pump up and ready to get back out there and of course the official entry form for the Dating Hall of Shame so that you could enter your bad dates story that you are recovering from.

Okay. Then, let's talk about affirmation and how we can use them for dating. I think people used them for goal setting, but I don't think they really realize how useful they can be for dating.

Yes. They are very important for dating and I think because as women or even men, we get ourselves so psyched up and worried that we tend to step all over ourselves when it comes to the opposite sex, and then it's good to say to yourself, to say things like, I am a good person, I do have funny things to talk about. I am worthy of going out on this date or I am worthy of someone loving me and some of them are kind of funny to like, I will give forgive my friend for fixing me up because (inaudible) bad dates ended badly it was the result of your friend, you must forgive your friend. I will not fall in love with someone whose opening line is, you must come from heaven because I can see the stars in your eyes. You don't need man who used silly pickup lines. You want someone as honest.

Okay. We want someone who is honest and real and going to communicate that way from the very beginning I guess. Well, let's talk about how, actually how do you use affirmation? Some people are not really that familiar with them. So, when do you say them? How many times do you say them? What do we have to do?

Well, I think using affirmation always a good thing to do; to prepare yourself for going out. I think it gives you some confidence. I think it is important when you go out on a date, think about some of your good past experiences, some of the positive things people have talked to you about and told you about, so that you know that even if go and meet this person and it doesn't work out that your ego shouldn't be flashed down the toilet, that you actually are worthy of meeting someone of the opposite sex and this one happens to be the right person.

Okay. So, do we get up in the morning and say them?

I think you could say them...

Okay.

I would recommend using them before you go out on your dates. So, you stand in front of the mirror and you say these to yourself out that you (inaudible) something out of this date. No matter what happens to be, whether it is a good meal, or a great conservation, or whatever.

Yes. Because it is important that we really go into a date, expecting good things and not focus on the negative, right?

Absolutely. You should always focused that you are going to enjoy yourself and your are going to get something positive out of it whatever happens to be, and I think that's important to at the end of the night that you do looked at it and say that you have got into something positive out of it. It might even be a realization that the type of person you just had dated isn't right for you, and that is a positive because now you know what you are looking for, and that person just then happened to be it.

Now you're ready to just move on?

Right.

Let's talk a little bit about your dates a columnist. Obviously, you were doing the sort of Sex in the City-type of column.

I was actually the Sex in the City about six to eight years before Sex in the City, so...

You were ahead of your time.

(Inaudible) ahead of my time.

But people really loved relationships columns. So, would people write in to you or would you basically just kind of decide on your topic and go with that.

(Inaudible) I would have people that would write in to me and I would get letters from people from 18 years up to 85 years old. I would get letters from moms wanting to know how they could get their sons and daughters setup to meet someone. So, it is really fun but I basically took a lot of the dating or the columns around what my friends and I were going through at a time.

Okay. Did you find that a lot of people writing to you saying thank you for sharing that because it helped them and...

Yes, it helped them and it help them at various stages of their life. Some people just got a lot of my columns are very humor based, they're tongue-in-chick (sp?) but with a very serious twist to that. Some people were able to get a good laugh but also walk away with some good dating advice as well.

That's awesome. Well, congratulation on your book, Kiss and Tell and the Dating Hall of Shame.com is available for anybody who wants to purge that bad date and they've got tools and everything so you can move on and I think that's what is important and that really attracted me to your website. You are all about moving on and keeping it going.

That's right. It is all about getting back out on the dating scene and reaching your goal which is the end result hopefully that you are going to get to meet someone and marry and as a matter of fact, I am a result of my own advice because I am married and I do have three children.

Awesome. So, when you are going through the data process, did you find that your husband on the first date, you knew this was it or did you really have a little bit of time before you figure out whether or not, you guys were compatible.

No, I did not know right from the (inaudible) that my husband was it. We dated for four years before we got married and every six months, we would sit down and not dragged him into this conversation but just basically, I would looked at him and say are we heading in the same direction and he would say yes and we would continue to do that to make sure that both of us were on the same page but we didn't want to end up married and with kid.

That's awesome and that's a simple way, a non-pressure way. Are we headed in the same direction?

That's right and you don't have to have a two hour roll your eye conversation and dragged it all out, it's just are you going on the same direction, great and we'll keep out it. Because if you are going in the same direction and you have two different goals then it really isn't going to work. If it doesn't work while you were dating it's definitely not going to work when you got married.

I think sometimes women forget that. I think if we get married it will all work out.

Right and it just doesn't seem to be the case. You can't paddle the boat in two different directions.

Exactly, that's the best metaphor, you cannot go, you are paddling this way, I'm paddling this way, and we've all got to be in the same page and that is very, very important, and a six month checkup is just about right, isn't it?

I think so. I think it is an enough time that you got to know someone and I think every six months is just a quick. I remember, I sit on a couch and looked at him, are we okay? Are we going in the same direction? And then we go back to watching T.V. or doing whatever we were doing. It wasn't like he had thing grown every time I bring up the subject, it was just a little check in.

Yes, it is not like, are you going to marry me? When do we get married? It's not that?

Right, exactly.

It's just for right here, for right now, are we moving in the same direction, and when it finally gets to a marriage point, you know that too.

Right. Exactly, you will.

What's your best piece of advice before we go that you have for people dating?

I think my best piece of advice is to go through your checklist periodically. Everyone whether they are man or woman has a list of ideals of what they are looking for in a relationship, and every year as you get older, you need to go back and revisit that list and make sure that the priorities, the things that are most important to you are at the top of the list because a lot of people don't go back. They got this list like he has to be like this or she has to be this and they don't go back and reevaluate and when they go back and reevaluate and shuffle they (inaudible) themselves in a better position to meet someone that is going to be for their future.

That's especially terrible for people who made a list when they were 18 and now that they are 36, they still got the same list.

Right. Exactly, it doesn't work anymore. It's just like those jeans that don't fit in your closet from when your 18 to 36 neither does your (inaudible).

That's awesome. Change your jeans and change your list.

That's right.

Well, thank you so much Heidi. This has been Heidi from Dating Hall of Shame.com and you can check all of tools she has there to get you back in the game. This is Dr. Leticia Wright for IDC dating.com, where we're creating multicultural relationships everyday. Thank you for joining us and we will see you next time. Remember, ignoring one conscience is neither safe nor right.

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